


DAMMIT

by skatebored



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Punk Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-03 23:37:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5311433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skatebored/pseuds/skatebored
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Parties, alcohol, roommates, drugs and basically living in your school. Most people call it college, Castiel calls it hell. His anxiety takes over when he leaves to live on campus. His brothers ignore him, his roommate is always out and he has only one friend. But then, at wrong time and the wrong place, he finds his own bit of safety. If he can just keep a hold on it, college might not even be that bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kissing girls and smoking cool cigarettes

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I want to say that English isn't my native language, so please mind my mistakes! I don't live in America and I'm still in high school, everything I know about college in America comes from books, films, series and the internet, so please mind my mistakes about that too. This is also my first work on ao3, so I'm not quite sure how everything works.  
> I hope you like this story!

"Here," Samandriel said while he handed a box so big he could almost disappear behind it. I thanked him and took the box. I let out a deep breath I didn't even know I was holding.  _Why did I have to do this?_  I thought.

"Oh I can't believe you are leaving me! Now it's only me and little Sammy," dad said and he ran with his hair through Samandriel's hair. "Dammit," he mumbled. I felt bad for him. He was only 2 years younger than I was, but since he was the youngest of the 4 of us he was always considered as the little boy.  
Balthazar sighed. "I'm going to  _my_  room," he said to once again remind me of the fact we didn't share a room. "Do I see you tonight?" I asked quickly. I didn't want to be alone. Balt ignored me and left the hallway.

"Oh you're growing up so fast, Cassie! It seems like yesterday when you opened your little blue eyes," dad said again. He had always been a bit emotional... "Yeah I know," I sighed. I put the key I got in the keyhole and slowly opened the door. A little squeal left my mouth when I saw another boy in the room. I knew I had to share my room but I didn't realise he would actually be there right now. "Oh hi," he said with a big smile on his face. He looked normal apart from the fact he was really, really tall. He had brown hair and wore simple shirt and jeans. "I'm Sam," he said. "Castiel," I mumbled. "I'm Sam, Samandriel," Samandriel said, popping up from behind me. "Weird names. But I like yours," Sam said, nodding towards Samandriel. I knew he didn't mean it in a mean way. We had weird names. Gabriel was the only one with a name that was a sort of normal, but I never heard about someone else called Castiel, Samandriel or Balthazar. "Are you insulting the names I chose for my children?" dad asked. He still stood in the doorway. "Er- No sir," Sam said and his face went red. Dad laughed. "Just kidding." I sighed. " _Dad_."  
"Yeah, yeah. I know. We'll leave. C'mon Sammy," he said. Sam looked confused but then realised he meant Samandriel. "I'll call you!" dad said before he closed the door.

"My brother also calls me Sammy. It's quite annoying," Sam said and he sat down on his bed. "You have a brother?" I asked. Sam nodded. "One, Dean. 20 years old. He's a junior here," he said. He started searching for something in one of his boxes. "Have you got any siblings?" I thought of my brothers. Would they think of me? Would they say hi to me when they'd meet me in the hallways? Would they visit me? "I got 3 brothers. 16, 19, 20. The oldest two are a freshman and a junior here," I said. "Cool," Sam said and that was the end of our conversation. I was fine with that.

* * *

I started unpacking my stuff. I was used to share a room with Samandriel but that one was much bigger. This one had just enough space for 2 beds, 2 desks and 2 small cupboards, each three pushed against another wall, but that was enough for the small amount of stuff I brought with me. I stacked my expensive books and stationary on my desk and folded my clothes into the cupboard. I stacked a couple of books I liked to read before sleep next to the small photograph of me, dad, Sammy, Balt and Gabe on the top of my bed. And that was just about it.

"SAAAAAMMY!" I heard from outside the door when I just finished unpacking my stuff. "Fuck," Sam mumbled before the door opened and a boy in black clothes came running in. "Give me my iPod back," he said with a deep angry voice. The boy ignored me like I wasn't even there. He looked like one of the punks you also had in high school. A shirt with a band I never heard of on it, ripped black jeans, dirty black vans and a lip piercing. His hair was a mix between blonde and brown and he had beautiful green eyes. He looked really pretty, which made me wonder why he was a punk. All the girls probably fell for him, so he must be popular, right? And I'd never seen a popular punk before.

"What makes you think I stole your iPod," Sam said, crossing his arms. "Sammy," the boy growled. So this was probably his brother Dean. "Why would I want to listen to  _your_  music?" Dean sighed and started to scan through Sam's boxes. "Here," Dean said, pulling a big old iPod classic out of one of the boxes. "Maybe you forgot it here," Sam said. I pulled my legs up and crawled in the corner of my bed, watching the two brothers arguing about whether Sam had took the iPod or Dean had forgotten it or their father put it in the wrong box. "Well, whatever," Dean said after a while and he made his way to the door. "Are you coming to the bonfire tonight, by the way?" he asked. "I think so," Sam said, "Are you coming, Castiel?" That was the moment Dean realised I also was in the room. "Oh hi! So you're Sam's roommate?" he said with a cheerful voice. I nodded. "I'm Dean." A little smile appeared on his face. "Castiel," I said, looking away at my feet. "Weird name."  
"I know."  
"But I like it," Dean chuckled, "So are you coming tonight?" Did I want to? No, of course not. "I- I don't know..." I mumbled. "Well, you should. It's one of the best chances to meet new people." Like that was what I wanted to do. Only the idea already scared me off. Where should I sit? With who should I talk? "Anyways, I hope you're coming," Dean said. He threw me one last smile and then left the room.

* * *

Sam left the room after a while. Some of his old friends went to college with him and he wanted to hang out with them. He offered me to come with him. "No thanks," I said. I knew he only said it to be polite and I didn't want to be a burden. I grabbed one of my books and curled myself up on my bed. I heard noises from outside. Laughing, talking, singing, music. It probably came from the bonfire. It all sounded very nice but I felt much safer in my own room. Like moving to a whole new place wasn't enough for one day. I bet Gabriel was there. He always liked to party.

It slowly started to become darker and the sound from the bonfire only started growing. After a while the door suddenly opened. "Forgot my earphones," Dean, who was standing in the doorway, said. He grabbed his earphones that were still laying on Sam's desk. Just before he left the room, he turned around. "Why aren't you at the bonfire?" I looked at him and his green eyes were staring straight at me. "It isn't my thing," I said quietly. The way Dean was looking at me was quite intimidating. "Then make it your thing," he said and he walked towards me. "Make friends." I pushed myself a bit more against the wall. "Make out." Dean's face was right in front of me and I could smell him all over me. A mix between male deodorant, alcohol and cigarette smoke. "Have sex." What the hell was this guy doing? Was this some kind of thing the upperclassmen did to the freshmen? I was just about to run away to god knows where, when a little laugh escaped from Dean's mouth. He pulled himself out of my face and laughed. "You're like a little mouse, you know. All scared and stuff." He walked towards the door. "C'mon."  
"I don't want to..." Dean sighed. "Jesus effing Christ. Do I need to scare you again?" He grabbed my hand and pulled me off my bed. "Just come." I wanted to say something but I didn't know what and I didn't even know if that would stop Sam's older brother.

Dean pulled me through the hallways down to the square where it was all happening. His hand was warm which the beer he had drunk probably caused. There was a big fire in the middle of the square and people were talking and singing along to the guitars some people played on around the fire. "Here," Dean said and he handed me a red cup. I carefully looked inside it and saw a yellow substance. Probably beer. "C'mon, drink it," Dean said. "I'm not even allowed to drink..."  
"Well fuck that." I didn't want to make Dean angry so I took a small sip from the beer. It tasted quite strange. I didn't know how to describe it but I didn't like it. How could it be that so many people likes this? "That's my boy," Dean laughed and he patted my shoulder. "Have fun. Make friends!" was the last thing he said before he left. Probably towards one of his cool punk friends. Why would he even bother to bring me here?

If you put everything I didn't like together, this bonfire would be exactly it. I kept looking around for someone I knew. Balthazar, Gabe, maybe Sam would be okay with it if I'd hang out with him and his friends. There were so many people and I knew no one. After a while I stopped searching and sat down on one of the few benches there were. The red cup Dean gave me still untouched in my hand. I looked around the bonfire at all the people. There were a lot people kissing. I looked at one of the couples. The girl had long blonde hair and kissed the boy like her life was depending on it. The boy had brown hair, just like Sam and Dean. When I looked a little better I saw that it actually was Dean. It was weird to see him kissing this girl, so different from who he was but he was probably drunk or liked to have lips pressed against his own. I wondered if kissing with a lip piercing hurt.

"Hi there," a girl said and she sat down next to me. She had long brown hair and wore a pair of big black Ray Ban's. "Waiting for someone?" she asked. I shook my head. "Me neither. Just making friends. Freshman?" I nodded. "I'm Kelly." I looked away. What did this girl want from me? "Castiel," I said. "You're cute." What? I looked at Kelly and she smiled at me. "Er- thanks?" People never called me cute apart from dad and some people when they wanted to say how naive I was. She was probably really drunk. Suddenly Kelly grabbed my cheeks and pressed her lips on mine. She smelled like beer and perfume. I didn't do anything. I didn't kiss her back and I didn't pull my head away. I was shocked and completely frozen.

After a short while Kelly pulled her lips away from mine. "I-" I couldn't even finish the sentence. I got away from here as quick as I could and ran off to one of the less crowded areas. I sat down on the ground, my back pressed against the cold wall. I felt like I was about to cry and pressed my hands against my eyes like that would stop the crying. I hated everything. I hated the fact that I went to this stupid campus, I let Dean pull me to the party, I let Kelly kiss me. I didn't want anything of that, right? Why did I keep letting people make the choices for me because I was too afraid to make my own. I was stupid. I was pathetic.

"Cas?" I looked up. My eyes were swollen from the crying. "Gabriel?"  
"Jesus Christ Cas. What happened to you? What are you doing here?" Gabriel sat down next to me. He pushed my head against him and let me cry there. Just like he used to do when I was smaller. He was the one who always understood me the best. I loved Sammy and Balt a lot, but Gabe was just different. He never was the good old brother, but I liked that about him. "Tell me what happened whenever you want to." Gabe put his arm around me. "She kissed me. Out of nowhere. She just kissed me and I didn't stop her," I said and I already felt all the tears coming back. "Oh Cassie," Gabe said quietly, "It's okay now. It's not like that ruins your whole future. Like your future love would say 'I don't want to marry you, because a girl once kissed you because she was drunk and you didn't stop her!' No fucking way." I took a deep breath. "I know, but..."  _But what Cas?_  I thought. Gabriel was right. "I'm such a pathetic cry baby," I sighed. "No you're not," Gabe snapped back before I could say anything else, "You're just sensitive. People like that. I like that about you." I pushed a little smile through my tears. "Now tell me, why are you here anyway? I was quite surprised when I saw you."  
"Dean forced me to," I said. I stared at my feet, ashamed of the fact I let him take me so easily. "Ah so you made friends?" Gabe said a bit cheerful. "Not really. It's my roommate's brother. He's a junior. He came to get something and when he saw me sitting there, he forced me to go."Gabriel's eyes opened wide. "Junior Dean... Dean with the lip piercing?" he asked. I nodded. "Asshole," he mumbled and he got up again. "Gabe?" I asked, scared of what he was going to do. He didn't react and just kept walking towards the crowd with big steps. "Deeeeaaan," he said as he approached Dean who was talking with his friends. Gabriel grabbed his shirt and pulled him out of the crowd. "Why did you force Cas to come to the bonfire? No means no. Were you getting tired of kissing girls and smoking cool cigarettes and decided what a great time it would be to bully some shy new freshmen?" Once the words came out of Gabriel, they didn't end. "Gabe..." I said and I grabbed his arm. "Jesus. Why are you making this such an issue? I just tried to get Castiel on his feet and let him make some friends," Dean said, holding his hands in the air. He already turned around to get back to his friends, when Gabriel grabbed Dean's arm. "A  _girl_  tried to kiss him."  
"Gabe..." I said again, but both Gabriel and Dean were acting like I wasn't there. "So? That's a great way to start your year," Dean said and he raised an eyebrow. "Cas likes boys," Gabriel said like it was most normal thing in the world. It wasn't like I was hiding the fact that I was gay, but I wasn't bringing it up either. I didn't want to be that gay guy girls would only like because they could shop with him without wondering if they'd look right because the "gay best friend"  _couldn't_  have a crush on them. "A girl kissing him is like a boy kissing you," Gabriel continued. "Ha!" Dean laughed. "What's that supposed to mean?" There appeared a small smirk on Dean's face. "You're only embarrassing your precious little Cassie. Now if you don't mind, I have girls to kiss and cool cigarettes to smoke," Dean said and he pulled his arm from Gabriel's grip.

"Sorry..." Gabriel said after Dean disappeared in the crowd again. "Dean and I have never been good friends and when I heard he was doing this to you... I just got a bit too dragged along." I just stared at him and turned my head around after a few seconds. I walked away from him. Away from the bonfire. "Cassie," I heard him saying but I didn't turn around. I knew Gabe meant it good, but still...

* * *

I felt a couple of tears on my cheeks when I opened my dorm room. Luckily Sam wasn't there. I locked the door to make sure no one except for Sam could get in and changed my clothes. After I had brushed my teeth in the public bathroom, I looked in the mirror. I wasn't little scared Cassie anymore. I was big scared Castiel who went to college parties and had a bit of facial hair I liked to shave off as soon as I could. I sighed and made my way to my room. I turned off the lights and pulled the sheets of my bed over my shoulders. I looked at the ceiling for a little while. If this was how my college time was going to be, how on earth was I going to survive that? Now Dean knew that I was gay, all the other people would probably know. I could say goodbye to normal male friends and say hello to pretentious girls who were desperately looking for a "gay best friend" to join their squad.

I sighed once more before I closed my eyes and tried to get some sleep.

 


	2. Just Castiel

For a second I thought I was still at home when my alarm went off and I was just about to wake up Samandriel, who would always sleep through the alarms, when I saw Sam sleeping in the other bed. I tried to be as quiet as I could but the alarm had already woken up Sam. "Let me sleep Dean," he mumbled. "No not Dean. Just Castiel," I said, looking through my drawers for a nice shirt. "Let me sleep Just Castiel," Sam said followed by a chuckle for his great joke. "I wasn't planning to wake you up though," I said. "Great." Sam turned around and pulled the sheets over his shoulders. I wondered how his enormous body could fit into the bed, but apparently the bed was big enough.

I put on a simple grey shirt and dark blue jeans. I didn't like people looking at me, so my clothes usually were so simple I could almost blend into the walls. "What time is it?" Sam asked when I entered the room after I went to the bathroom. "10:15," I answered, glancing over at my alarm clock. "Fuck," Sam said and he threw the sheets on the ground, "I have a class in 45 minutes." When he got on his feet, I could see his torso. He was quite muscular. I looked away. It wasn't that I felt attracted to him. I just didn't want to make it awkward between us. Sam didn't even notice.

* * *

 I looked over at the people in the hallways. You could easily recognise the freshmen. While all the upperclassmen rocked the hangover look, the freshmen looked like they just stepped out of a clothing ad. Clothes on point, hair on point, make-up on point. It became a fun little game for myself while I was waiting for my first class. Search for the freshmen. A girl was wearing a dotted crop top combined with a high waisted skirt and brand new sneakers, freshman. A boy was wearing a big leather jacket, dirty black jeans and even dirtier black vans, upperclassman. I took me a second to realise the boy I was staring at was Sam's brother. His green eyes were covered with a pair of round sunglasses and when I looked a little better I could see two little middle fingers in them. I wondered how he was able to see, but apparently he was, since a smirk appeared on his face as soon as he saw me. I wondered if it was scared-of-me-little-mouse? smirk or a I-just-told-all-my-friends-you-are-gay smirk, but I hoped for the first one. I looked away at my feet, which made a little chuckle escape from Dean's mouth.

As soon as the professor opened the door, I took a place in the back of the class. It wasn't that I wanted to have fun with other students in the back of the class. I just didn't like sitting in front of the class where everyone could see me and professors could ask me questions. I looked at all the people. Their notebooks in front of them, the pages were still blank. I wondered how long that would be.

* * *

 After my first lecture I went to the dining hall. I hadn't had anything for breakfast and I was getting really hungry. I sat down on one of the free tables and started taking small bites of the turkey sandwich I just bought. In my other hand I held The catcher in the rye, one of my favourite books. I had to read it in high school and liked it so much that I read it over and over again.

"The catcher in the rye... I love that book!" I looked up from my book and saw a girl with red hair standing at the other side of the round table. "Mind if I sit down?" she asked with a big smile on her face. I shook my head. "Thanks! It looks likes everyone already made plenty of friends. I guess missing that bonfire last night wasn't the best thing to do," she said and started unwrapping her sandwich, "I'm Charlie by the way."  
"I'm Castiel," I said and I took another bite of my sandwich. "Freshman too?" I nodded. "What are you studying?"  
"Psychology."  
"Sounds great! I'm studying history. It's so cool!" She couldn't stop talking about all the things were cool about history. I didn't say much, but she didn't seem to mind. I wanted to leave for my room after a while, but I didn't want to stop Charlie from all the things she was telling me. She sounded very happy, talking about it and I liked the fact someone actually came over to me to talk to me, even though I didn't know what to say back.

"Oh I hope you don't mind that I'm talking all the time." I shook my head again. "You don't say much, do you?" She meant it okay. Just wondering. "Not really," I said. "Anyways, I think I need to get back to my room. I've got my first lecture in 20 minutes and I still have to get my books out of my dorm room." Charlie got on her feet and gave me a big smile. "Will I see you around again?" she asked. I smiled a bit at her. "Probably."

* * *

 I went back to my room and found Sam sitting behind his laptop. "Hi," I said when I entered the room. "Hey. How did your first day go?" he asked. "Quite well. How about you?" I didn't end up crying in the bathroom, so it could be a lot worse. "Good. Good," Sam answered, but it looked like he was more interested in something on his laptop than in a conversation with me, with which I was perfectly fine. I sat down on my bed in curled myself up in the corner of it. My book was in my hands and my mind was in my book.

"Hey Sammy." I looked up from my book. Dean was standing in the doorway. "Hi Cas," he said, now looking at me. His sunglasses were still in front of his eyes. I held my book in front of my face as if that would make Dean disappear. "What are you doing here?" Sam asked. "Studying," Dean said and he entered the room without waiting for someone to ask him to come inside. He lay down on Sam's bed and he kicked his shoes off. "You have your own goddamn house. Go study there or something," Sam said, followed by a big sigh. "I need to read." Dean put his sunglasses off. "And I can't do that with 3 hyperactive guys next to me."  
"3 hyperactive guys? Alec is more depressing than The Smiths."  
"Fair point." I tried to continue reading, but it was almost impossible with the two arguing in the room. "So you think 1 guy less is making a big difference? Go read in the library or somewhere else."  
"Cas doesn't talk. And I don't think you're going to talk if he doesn't. And they talk in library." Sam sighed once again. "Okay fine. I'm leaving soon anyway." Dean made a little "yes!" sound. "If it's okay with Castiel." I looked up from my book and saw both Sam and Dean staring at me. "It's okay with you. Ain't it, Cas?" Dean said, giving me that damn smirk again. Rather not, absolutely not. "Er- Yes?" I didn't want to annoy him, so I just went along. What was the worst that could happen when he was only reading a book? "Great!" Dean said and he lay down with his book.

Dean was always there. Like really being there. No one noticed it when I entered a room, but when Dean came in you could actually feel his presence. It wasn't different this time. He was just lying there, holding his book above his face, but still with that smirk on his face. That damn smirk. Every time I glanced over at him from above my book, he looked as if he just knew I was secretly watching him.

"I'm going now. Will you be okay on your own? You can come too, if you want." Sam's hand was resting on the doorknob, ready to open the door. "I'll be fine," I said, giving him a little smile to make sure I was okay. "Hey! He's not on his own," Dean objected. "Shut up and pretend you're not there."

"So... How did your first day go?" Dean asked as soon as Sam left the room. Had he been waiting all this time to ask this? "Could have been worse," I said. I held my book in front of my face and hoped that Dean would consider it as a hint that I didn't want to talk to him. "Made any friends?" He obviously didn't get it. I thought of Charlie. Could I consider her as a friend? She asked is she would see me again though. "Yes," I answered shortly. Dean looked up from his book. He was still laying on Sam's bed with his book held open above his face, but right now he had turned it and was looking straight at me. "Wow Cas. I'm proud of you." I didn't know if he meant it sarcastic or if he was being honest, which would be strange, so I ignored him. I tried to read again, but it was almost impossible when I knew Dean was looking at me. Why was he still here anyway?

"Are you still mad at me because of what happened yesterday?" Dean suddenly asked. Was I? "Sort of," I answered without looking up from my book. "I'm sorry. I just wanted you to make some friends. First freshman days can be like hell." Dean's voice sounded different. His I'm-just-playing-with-you voice was replaced by an I'm-really-sorry-and-I-hope-you're-okay voice. "I understand." I didn't. No meant no, right? Then why did he keep forcing me to go to that stupid bonfire? "I didn't and couldn't even know you're gay." My ears opened wide. If they could do that anyway... This was the time I needed to ask Dean if he told anyone. It was like he just read my mind. "I didn't tell anyone though. Thought you might not like that," he said. I wanted to thank him, but he continued. "I'm not like your brother." I looked up from my book and looked Dean straight in the eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?" I asked and I could hear the anger in my quiet little voice. How dared he to compare himself to Gabriel? They were nothing, and really nothing, alike. "He just told me, one, two, three, that you like boys. That's quite a thing right?" It was. But I knew that Gabe only said it to protect me. "Gabe might not always have a filter, but he only said it to protect me," I objected. "To who?" Dean had changed his position and was sitting on the side of Sam's bed. His red socks on the floor and his book laying upside down and opened at one of the first pages on his lap. "Like I was going to hurt you." Fair point.

Dean closed his book and grabbed his vans. "I never liked Gabriel much, you know," he said. Instead of tying his shoelaces, he tucked them inside his shoe so you couldn't see them. "A lot of people say you can't hate a person without reason." Where the hell was he going? "But when I look at Gabe, I think exactly the opposite." Dean got on his feet. In his one hand he was holding his book, with the other one he grabbed a cigarette out of his pocket. "Shut up," I said so quietly it was almost a whisper. And he did. Dean gave me that look one more time before he closed the door behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! I hope you liked this chapter (it's kind of a "mid-chapter" so not that exciting). Don't forget to leave kudos and comments because I'd love to hear your opinion!


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